Making Conscious Decisions

No matter how well I think I have things planned out, I still get my dates mixed up from time to time. I did just that this week. I thought for sure it was the Monday that I was supposed to find out if I qualified for Care Link. It is the program for poor folks in Bexar county to get financial health assistance. We got up, got ready and were there early. In the back of my mind, I felt a nagging. More like a worry that I wouldn't get approval. We finally go in about 10 minutes earlier than I thought my scheduled appointment was. Told the receptionist my name. After a couple minutes, I was worrying that I hadn't truly been scheduled in. Then he finally told me that I had an appointment, but that it was next week. Not today. Talk about a mental head slap....

So I have another week to wait. I'm telling myself that it is building my strength and patience. My pains and the dizzy feelings are a daily annoyance. Especially as they strike randomly and very often when I'm sitting. It has made things difficult. My husband now does the all the driving. I have come to the decision that unless absolutely necessary, I will not risk being behind the wheel any more. I won't put myself, my family or anyone else in danger.

This type of decision does not usually get presented until a person has aged considerably and is approached by those who love them most. So it is not easily confronted by me. Just like an 80 year old woman who desperately clings to her independence, I do not like being restricted to my husbands schedule as to when I can go out. I want to be free. But at the same time, I'm very conscientious to what my actions might do to others. After all, how can I risk driving when I never know when I will get dizzy and possibly pass out. Our continual prayer is that I will soon start treatment and be back to my normal self. That I will be able to return to normal activities. 

Another decision I have made is that I will work out every day. Pain or no pain. I am currently 40 pounds over my proper weight (I've gained 10 pounds since January). I have devised a schedule that enables me to have morning devotions while feeding the baby. This is followed by cleaning up the baby and kitchen area. Once she is settled, I do my workout. I don't have the strength to do my husbands P90X or 10 minute intense workout sessions. So I'm keeping to my own pace. Don't get me wrong, I still break a sweat. I still get my heart rate up. And that is what matters in the end. Also, don't think I am giving place to vanity. Sure, I have a flabby stomach. But I have been pregnant 4 times. I have a Mom bod. Anyone who can't handle it can take a hike. On the other hand, I also have a weakened spine that is crumbling. Which means that I can't be carrying all these extra pounds. And I'm secretly hoping that this will build strength as I go. On top of my daily workout in the morning, I have decided to add in other things. I do squats while brushing my teeth. Maybe 25 jumping jacks before bed. Little workouts like these spread out, can have a huge impact. And make me feel a little better about myself. 

If you are struggling with something this far into the new year, might I suggest that you take it one day at a time? We don't change as quickly as we want. Things don't always happen the way we want them to. And sometimes a hard choice has to be made. But if you take one step after another, one day after the other and get through it like clockwork - it gets so much easier to see a big picture. Here is to the hope that one day I will be able to return to my normal way of being. Until then, I will do what I can to protect those I care about as well as those I have never met.