One Bad Apple...

As a Christian, I don't believe in karma. To some degree, the concept of 'what goes around, comes around' does exist for me. But to believe that you are repaid for the good or evil you do on a regular basis? Not so much. 

But let's say it did exist. How evil do I have to be to see my Little Free Library repeatedly vandalized? Broken door. Broken latch. Books and toys tossed around. I was encouraged to fix it. Clean it up. Refill it. But then this... two days in a row every book was removed. I found some of them. Know where? Come on, guess! My neighbors yards. Thrown in the yards like any other piece of trash. Want to talk about a rage-quit moment... Seeing red! Heck, I even cried in front of my kids. This was I-am-having-a-meltdown moment for me. My kids know that I don't cry. I see it as an upset in my hormonal balance of calm. Unless someone I truly loved died.  

Sadly, I thought this was the last time. We were already planning to pull it down to replace the box part when we had the money for new materials. The last repair wasn't strong enough to withstand the beating it takes from kids who yank and hang on it. But this time... this time my husband and kids all seemed to think I gave it a good enough run. And that it was time to move on. And I was inclined to agree. Reading is a passion for me. I love reading books. I love collecting books. And I have tried to instill that in my children. One of them is truly an avid reader like me. So I count that as a win. But outside, I see kids who think of books as junk. I see children who were not raised to show appreciation, but instead are given over to destructive actions. It hurts. And don't get me wrong, not everyone who checked it out were bad people. There was a grandma walking with the kids every so often. A dad who took his kids bike riding and would stop by. Neighbors who added books sometimes. 

But as the saying goes, 'One bad apple spoils the bunch'. In this case, spoils the good for others. I can't keep paying money to fix this box. Or keep having my heartbreak moments when they trash the books or the box. How about having to clean up the mess? I don't want to keep getting upset that someone didn't raise their kids to do the right thing. It lasted almost a year and a half. Not too shabby, right? But as I announced it to the community I'm a part of and was thinking that I would just donate books we don't want anymore to the local library, or to the bookstore that serves the library, I was encouraged by that community of mine. One of them gave me a camera system and made a sign to put in, announcing to anyone who opens the library that they are being recorded. The idea is, maybe that will deter the ne'er-do-wells to steer clear of mischief. The camera is old tech, so we thought we would see if we could get it running. If not, we planned to install it as if it works to still try to scare anyone out of bad ideas. 

As I was waiting for my husband to put the camera into use, someone came by and dropped off a bunch of books! I had been keeping it empty until the camera went in. I figured I would just let those be there. Not add anything else. Then I caught them red-handed. 2 young boys about 12-13 years old. Grabbing all the books (see above picture) and anything else that was in it. This time I took off, barefoot and hot blooded. I made them return all the books, save one each, into the box and lectured them about trashing my little library. I could only hope they would take it to heart since I mentioned the coming camera... Did it work? Nope. Most days, I was either outside or watching when they came by. Today... I wasn't. And what did I find when I went to the mailbox? 3 books had been shredded and thrown around my neighbors' yards and in the street! I cleaned up the mess. Didn't cry this time. Just felt anger. I stripped everything out of the box. Threw everything on the table and walked away. Why bother with a camera? Sure, I can report them. I can shame them online. But what good will that do in the long run? I still have to clean up the messes they make. 

This truly will be the last time. Time for the library to be permanently closed. A heart-wrenching moment for me. But a necessary one if this kind of behavior can't be stopped. People can only push my buttons for so long before I walk away. Dream or no dream, I have limitations. 

If you are a parent, do everyone else a favor - raise them to have respect. To live honorably. And to be someone the rest of the community can see as at least decent. If you don't have kids but think this kind of teaching is too hard - don't have kids. 

Looking through broken glass

Life has its ups and downs. Mostly downs. Valleys. It makes us appreciate the view at the mountaintops more. But they can certainly be difficult to navigate. Especially when they interfere with the life you are setting up for your family.

In the past 3 weeks alone, so much has happened in my life. My great grandmother passed away. I moved into a new apartment. My dad visited from Florida. My fiancé was in a car accident - thankfully he was able to walk away, but the car was totaled. Two days later, I was laid off due to a reduction in workforce in the company.

I feel like I'm barely taking time to breathe. I tackle one task, one problem at a time. Tomorrow, I leave for Louisiana to say my final goodbye to my Nana. I look forward to it and dread it all at once. I have missed my parents and siblings and will be glad to see them. My mother will be meeting my baby girl for the first time. On the other hand, I dread having to face the reality that my Nana is truly gone. That its time to say goodbye. To move on. No matter how long I knew it was coming, I still wasn't quite ready for this. For the moment when her laughter, her fun-loving spirit, her heirloom stories would suddenly stop. But I have to accept that she is now no longer in pain as well. She has been suffering for so long. Physically and mentally. Her only child passed away, her sister has been suffering memory loss, her only nephew passed away, and all her other family members lived in other states. Those she had "helping" her, stole from her. Took advantage of her. A woman who worked hard all her life. Who gave so much to everyone else, but asked for so little. A woman who lived an amazing story and gave me the drive to excel as she did... She's now gone. My heart will always hurt. A hole will always remain where she was. And my memories of her will always be bittersweet. Its like looking through a broken glass. The view is distorted. Mixed emotions. Unclear depictions of the past. I have to piece some of it back together, while being mindful that it won't be 100%. I'm in a valley, but looking forward to that mountain top.

Her obituary as written by the woman who loved her best, my Mother:

To often life escapes us. We are born with no say in the matter and then 1 day, the end reaches us. It truly is what is in between that matters in history. Here we look at the life of Bonita Mouhart. She was born in 1934 during a depression. She lived through WW2. She learned the value of a dollar through sacrifice. She saw different automobiles, televisions come to everyone's homes, and men go to the moon. She saw phones come and then turn into what we have today. Not to mention all the progress in the medical field. She has seen countless friends and family pass through this life to go to the next. She had a great faith in God the Creator. She loved her fellow man (even when they mistreated her). Her last years she had the joy of sharing her one and only son's final years with him. After he passed, she looked forward to going to live with him for eternity. She didn't complain much and lived a very simple life. But the most remarkable accomplishment in her life was from this one woman came forth 26 people to date. She was very interested in her large family. Each new addition made her happy. She will be missed but never forgotten! The love and life lessons will be passed down from generation to generation.

The Mask is on

Do you ever feel that every day and every moment needs to be portrayed as going well? That you have to keep up good appearances to the world around you better? That’s my outlook. The world has enough darkness. There is enough pain, hurt, and sadness to go around. So someone has to shine through it all. Someone has to offer that glimpse of joy that makes others smile. I’m not a clown, by any means. I’m the complete opposite actually. I’m not full of jokes. I’m sarcastic. I don’t like people. I like being alone. It doesn’t help me get out of the darkness when I’m alone, but it helps to avoid making it worse when the people who are offering advice or trying to help only make it worse…

You know that saying, “Sometimes the ones who smile the most, are the ones who hurt the most on the inside”? It’s true. They put on a mask and always give off that happy-go-lucky attitude that is expected of them. Do you ever wonder how they do it? Here’s a secret… they sometimes cry themselves to sleep.

When they have a bad day, they try not to include anyone in it. They tell themselves its fine. Everyone has bad days and they all come to an end. They take every task in the queue, one by one, and get through it. Someone smiles at them, they smile back. Someone asks how they are doing, they answer with “doing good, thanks”. And for the most part, no one notices that it is all an act. Why? Why can’t people see through it?! I tell myself that it is because I’ve gotten good at the act. I’ve practiced it so well. Got it down to the last faked laugh. Then I finally collapse at the end of the day and hope for a better day tomorrow. I cry and tell myself to stop being so pathetic. If I slip up and actually talk to someone about what is going, I feel worse. Not only am I feeling bad, but I’m telling someone else and they will probably feel bad. I’m spreading the bad instead of promoting good. I’m burdening them. They can’t do anything about it. They can’t offer anything more than, “It’s going to be okay”, “Just breathe, you got this”, or “It happens, get over it”. That last one is my favorite. Why? It further reminds me I’m sounding like a pathetic whiner. “Cry yourself a river, build yourself a bridge, and get over it.”

Today started off all wrong and has continued to go uphill. Haven’t even hit the crest yet. On the radio, they said today was National “Get Over It” Day. Sorta fits. Tell myself to get over it. Stuff is hitting the fan and I have to suck it up. Put on the big girl panties and throw back. Right? That’s not how I feel inside though. But that’s how I’m trying to look on the outside. I’ve quit answering the text messages. Not talking to anyone on Facebook. I’ve decided to put the walls up and take the battering rams out against the projects I’m faced with. It will be a long day. And I know that eventually it has to end. Until then, I’ll put on the mask. I will be that light in the darkness. I don’t suggest walking towards my light though. Just take it as a beacon of hope through the chaotic seas of the daily grind. If I slip, and the weakness I feel within shows, just act like you didn’t catch it. For the sake of my pride.
Have a great day, folks! It can’t last forever.