I am in quite the busy season of life here. It has tested my endurance. It has been testing my patience. Questioned what I am willing to sacrifice. But above all these things, it has tested my faith. As Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:". We do not always know what season we are in though, do we?
My sons are settled into their respective jobs. I play chauffeur nearly daily now. Sometimes one of them will even work a double, having me bring him back and forth between the shifts! In some ways, I feel as tired as I did when they were babies. Especially when you toss in trips to the library, grocery stores, post office, book store, thrift store... whatever other places I need to stop by for any other needs that come up. It is freedom that I haven't had in a while, but some days I wish I could give it all back up again. I've been hoping (and maybe dreading) that the boys would ask to start their driving lessons. But that doesn't seem to rank too high on their to-do list right now... Only one of them finally asked to start learning!
I've had my so-tired-I-can't-see-straight moments. But then I have boys who are excited that they had a great paycheck. Or someone was thrilled with their work. I have been able to take my daughters out more. Though, that often comes with wanting mom to buy them things...
Making a donated delivery to the local Sheriff's office!
And how about helping those I couldn't before? Or hanging out with friends? That has been fun too! There are so many pros and cons that come with life in this new phase of mine.
On the flip side, we had some hard times come along that had me feeling like we were hitting the bottom. Transmission needed to be replaced in my car. The AC in the house had to get fixed. The washing machine pipe wasn't draining properly, so I was having to wash everyone's clothes for them and then clean up water that spilled out.
Then I ran over the tip of someone's blade and barely got parked before the tire went flat!
Or the latest, something so life-changing that I won't be posting about it just yet. But it definitely shook my world and makes me think twice about what I need to do.
While I know God has a plan, and that His plans are above any I have for myself, I still found myself asking "WHY". (Jeremiah 29:11) Just why? I pray for the strength to get through another day. I push myself to do my best, regardless of how I feel. And I wonder if I'm failing to hit the mark. Maybe that is why I'm struggling and my family is going through the wringer?
Then God makes a memory pull up. A time when I was going through the fire. But He stepped in next to me. A time when I felt absolutely hopeless, but He miraculously made everything work out. These memories are what pulls me through. Reminds me that my focus is horizontal. But it needs to shift to the vertical.
"Will you trust Me?"
That is the phrase that kept coming to mind. That my husband said he had going through his head as well. Will you trust Me? Lean on Me. Let Me work. Sounds so simple with so few words in these phrases, doesn't it? But then putting it into practice is where we trip up. At least I do. Someone once told me, "You don't have enough faith." Granted, that was their reason for why I was physically falling apart and God wasn't healing me. But why would God say in Matthew 17:20, "And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you."
Thank God for that! My faith feels so small sometimes. Life feels impossibly difficult. But that is where Luke 17:5-6 is encouraging. "And the apostles said unto the Lord, Increase our faith. And the Lord said, If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you." It can be small, but through Jesus, do big things. This is the reminder I have needed. One day at a time. One task at a time. Just enough faith to get by each one. That is all I need.
So what am I doing now?
I'm still playing taxi for 2 teenagers. I'm still managing the household needs. I'm sometimes fulfilling the role of caretaker. Baking on the side, for events and custom orders.
But above all these little successes, I'm constantly seeking to follow the will of my Lord. What does He want of me? Am I surrendering and walking the path He has laid out for me? Trusting in His plans? Yes, it is a daily, sometimes more often, set of questions I have to ask myself. Because I'm nowhere near perfect.
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